Are You a Perfectionist?
Perfectionism is a common trait, both in everyday life and in the therapy room. When is it helpful, and when does it become exhausting?
Are You a Perfectionist?
Perfectionism is a trait we come across often, both in everyday life and in the therapy room. So what is perfectionism? As the name suggests, perfectionism is the effort to reach the impossible: perfection. I call it the effort to reach the impossible because I want to distinguish it from the effort a person makes to achieve the best they can. Although perfectionism may look like a positive trait, it is very draining for the person, leaves no room for mistakes and, because of the stress it creates, may actually lead them to achieve less than they could.
One of the signature features of perfectionism is all-or-nothing thinking. Any situation in which a person doesn't reach the high goals they have set for themselves is a failure, and that includes falling half a step short of the goal! In other words, for them something is either perfect or it isn't; it is either black or white.
Have you ever known someone who ate a single scoop of ice cream, said their diet was “ruined anyway” for the day and then spent the rest of the day eating in a way that went against it? This is exactly the kind of situation a perfectionist would experience. That one scoop of ice cream has spoiled the perfect diet. For them, there is no difference between a diet broken by one scoop of ice cream and one broken by pizzas, burgers, chocolate and baklava.
Perfectionists, whom we also often meet in working life, prefer to do every job themselves because they don't trust the work others have done or will do. Sometimes they go over the work others have done down to the smallest detail.
Another example comes from perfectionist students. You have probably had classmates who, convinced that something better was always possible, held on to their projects and assignments until the very last moment, racking their brains at their desks in pursuit of perfection.
And what about perfectionists who never start the tasks they know they won't be able to do perfectly? This may be a little harder to grasp. Perfectionists who avoid facing failure by falling short of perfection just can't get started on the task, and keep putting it off until the last possible moment.
When we consider that perfectionists focus on the outcome more than the process, judge things by the outcome, can write off the whole process in one stroke if the outcome isn't perfect and can't take their attention off small mistakes, it becomes clear how challenging perfectionism can be in relationships. In other words, all the kindness and effort one partner has put in up to now can lose its value because of a single mistake. When we also consider that a perfectionist avoids talking about their personal fears and shortcomings in a relationship, is extremely sensitive to criticism and tends to be controlling about emotions, relationship problems seem almost inevitable.
On top of all this, shall we think for a moment about the anxiety a person's struggle for perfection creates, given that there is never any room for mistakes and that perfection isn't actually possible? It is an anxiety that poisons life, keeps the person constantly on edge and wears them out without ever letting them lower their guard.
Now let's take a deep breath! Perfectionism is often worked on with cognitive behavioural therapy, with very successful results. If a person is aware of their perfectionism, has come to see that it affects their life negatively and wants to change it, the solution is simple. So, are you a perfectionist?
