What Is the Abandonment Schema?

The abandonment schema is a deep sense of insecurity and rejection that leads a person to act out of an intense fear of being abandoned in the relationships they form throughout life. This schema, which holds an important place in schema therapy, is considered a core maladaptive schema rooted in the person's unconscious. It usually carries a belief such as “sooner or later they will leave me”, and however solid the person may seem, they always carry an inner anxiety about being abandoned in every relationship. These anxieties affect the way the person meets their emotional needs and forms bonds in relationships, and can lead them to test or try to control the other person.

How Does the Abandonment Schema Develop?

The abandonment schema mostly emerges in childhood, and the following play a part in its development:

Lack of secure attachment: When parents don't offer a child a physically or emotionally secure environment for attachment, the child's fear of abandonment deepens. If parents are often away from home, emotionally changeable or suddenly disappear from the child's life, the child develops a constant anxiety in close relationships.
Traumatic separations: Sudden changes such as the death of a parent, divorce or the break-up of the family can lead the child to develop a lasting fear of abandonment.
Examples of unstable relationships: When a child observes their parents or caregivers constantly having conflictual, turbulent or insecure relationships with each other, they may develop an uncertain and anxious attitude towards relationships.
Parents' emotional instability: A caregiver who is emotionally unstable or has constantly changing moods can also contribute to the child developing an abandonment schema.

How Does the Abandonment Schema Show Up in Daily Life?

The abandonment schema shows itself in daily life, especially in close relationships, and can affect a person's behaviour in the following ways:

Intense anxiety and jealousy in relationships: The person believes that their partner will leave them one day and may show this through jealousy, insecurity and controlling behaviour in relationships.
Excessive attachment and dependence: Out of fear of abandonment, the person may become dependent on their partner or friends. To avoid losing the relationship, they tend to ignore their own needs or constantly adapt to their partner.
Testing the relationship: The person may keep testing their partner to see whether they will be abandoned, or challenge them with difficult situations. Over time, these tests put pressure on the partner and can damage the relationship.
Avoidance and emotional distance: Constantly trying to cope with the fear of abandonment in relationships can lead some people to withdraw from relationships altogether. By avoiding closeness and attachment, these people are actually trying to protect themselves against possible abandonment.

Is It Possible to Change the Abandonment Schema?

Yes, it is possible to change the abandonment schema, and different psychotherapy approaches are used to do so:

Schema therapy: Schema therapy is a therapy approach that helps a person recognise the abandonment schema they have carried since childhood, understand its effects on their life and transform it. In this process, the aim is for the client to gain new, healthy relationship skills.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): CBT can help a person notice their thoughts about abandonment and restructure unhelpful behaviours. Questioning these thought patterns by going to the roots of the schema makes it possible for the person to build healthier relationships.
Mindfulness and self-compassion work: When coping with the abandonment schema, mindfulness and self-compassion work also help the person face their anxieties and fears. This work can help the person understand their own worth and give themselves a healthier emotional space.
Relationship-focused therapy: This type of therapy addresses the person's attitudes and behaviour, particularly towards relationships. Relational therapy work with partners or close friends helps transform the abandonment schema in a healthy way.

What Is the Abandonment Schema?